Dress Rehearsal

              During today's run through I came in feeling very warmed up and ready (which worried me) but I felt like I was able to listen and  fully give my self to some new moments tonight and still explore. I do have trouble still keeping everything going though. I notice that if I'm playing my action and listening then the next thing I know most of my body is gone, or vice versa. This is what is getting me the most frustrated because I know that I can do all of these things but putting them together is still too much for me to maintain.
             I was also concerned that my character seemed too "caricaturey." I think that it is difficult to find the balance between self-involved and unrealistic, because some runs I feel like I'm being too kind and loving (not dysfunctional enough) and others I feel as if I couldn't until people start getting shot. I think that feeling this way is a result of not understanding that self-involvement enough. Yes we are all selfish but I don't think that any of us are consistently that rude about it. The only time I understand it is when I consider it the way a child does, when I was little I recall genuinely not noticing or understanding that other people had different opinions, but there is also danger with connection because it could add to my character seeming so young.  This is something I am still struggling to suppress, the youth. I think my yappy dog as an animal though makes her more youthful. Age is not something I think that I fully understand how to address though. I lowered my center but I don't know how to really age her without losing much of my character work. I will continue to explore her though.
        I looked over some things about abuse victims and realized that I really wasn't finding moments to expose the broken Peggy, I will look for them tomorrow. This is another reason that she is so irritable and does not want to participate. She avoids issues. I have also been thinking about her middle child syndrome and how that plays into her peacekeeping.

           I felt okay about my work today but I would like to feel a bit more present and urgent tomorrow. I am excited to continue to explore this play. It's always a lot of fun to work on it. I am going in with the intention of really getting people to empathize with Tammy's pseudo-family.

Thanks for everything guys :]. We entered this thing as pollywogs and we are leaving as shellbacks :p

Rehearsal 04/26

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Butterflies and the nasty taste of insecurity

It is 12:28 and I can't sleep. Maybe its the anxiety, maybe its the fact I got a plastic bag on my head (thanks Nicky) but whatever it is, I think this is a good time to reflect on the show so far. An oh... lucky me... it fulfills an acting assignment.

For those of you reading this off my blog (all 2 of you, hi mom and dad) I will recap. I am playing the part of Maureen in the play Pig by Tammy Ryan. Its a good part, older than me by about 10 years but I feel its a good stretch. She is aggressive and responds with a fist rather than a whimper, a "what are you looking at?" rather than a "take anything you want just please stop staring at me". These traits are not like me, which is why this is a good role for me to branch out with. The only problem is the lingering self consciousness and "head work" that has prevailed through all my acting work to date.

Its not that I want to be in my head, I am. Its like a state of being, something that is forever present and never gets toned down. Physical work can ground me, vocal work can stabilize me, but still its like a dog scratching at your bedroom door at night. You can try to go to sleep, but its there even if you ignore it. Weird example...

Anyways, through out this process I've been trying hard to not do this. I've worked with Maureen, tried to get to know her and her movements. What does she sound like? How does she move? Is she like Creyon? I also tried hard to give each relationship an obsticle. I want my mom to listen to me, but she never does. I don't want to sit too close to my aunt because she always offers me a job at 50 50 and says it will "change my life". Still I am a dear in the headlights when I'm on stage. And its more annoying than anything.

Tasks help though, a lot of times I find things to do (smoke, drink, hit my sister) those things tend to keep me involved and present. Also the pitch (lowered) helps me to find confidence in myself, as does a strong stance and weighted shoulders. I also try little things, like making my hands smell of smoke.

One big thing that has really changed my perspective though, is something that Jed said today. He told us that one of the big problems he finds with student actors is that they read a play for their character and lose site of the story. I kept this in mind today as we ran the show and I realized how much of it was true. I had mapped out the play by my events, and not really the big ones of the play. Who cares if Jason shot Christmas, when is my peeing scene coming?!?? I realized how ridiculous and detrimental this was. I was focusing so much on myself it was like there was a huge spot light glued to me at all times. I didn't even know I thought this was until I examined myself. After that, I toned down some of that self consciousness. I am Maureen, I am here to support Jason who just wants to cook his pig. It really helped.

Then I missed a line, and I was back to square one.

But beyond that I think that it is something I will really keep in mind for tomorrow. Whose story is it? And where do I fit in?

Oh look its 12:51 and I should go to bed.

Night Before

So here we go...

Crazy to think that we've been here 8 months and the final big project of our freshmen year is upon us. Tonights rehearsal was for me a great prep for tomorrow. I think I'm in a place where I now have a good grasp on the show and the journey and the needs and the fight that Jack goes through. Now tomorrow I need to come and bring everything I have to that performance. A realization I had tonight during the rehearsal is tomorrow when I'm doing the show who gives a fuck what everyone thinks. If I go into tomorrow and try to impress people I'm gonna be a mess. Instead my motivation for tomorrow is to go in and fight for everything that Jack needs because I owe that to you guys as a class for what you all have taught me this year and this semester. Then in the moment I really just need to listen and react all the while trying to regain control of my crazy household.

I noticed tonight that the more I listened the better I did. There were moments where I would suddenly start to think "oh shit what's my next line" and then I would literally say to myself "just listen and when it comes time for you to speak you will know." Ironically enough this was the first night that I haven't dropped any lines. I think that's because I was listening and not trying to micromanage the show from inside of my head.

Tomorrow I hope to walk out and feel that I gave everything I had and could bring to the process and that no matter what the opinion of our product is in the end we can all walk away proud and feel that we've learned something these last 7 weeks.

Best of luck and break a leg tomorrow everyone.

Chris

Pre-Show BLOGG

So, tonight's rehearsal was not the best for me. I felt like Monday's rehearsal was a lot stronger. Stronger in the sense that I was on top of the dialogue and I really focused on keeping Bernice more grounded physically and vocally. So in that sense, I was a bit disappointed in myself. I don't know what happened tonight but I became a "crack addict" as Matt said. Pre-show jitters? The fact that the writer was in the room? Unsure. But I think the most important thing for me is going to be keeping Bernice grounded. Although I play her as a bit eccentric, I think I tend to just throw my lines around instead of bringing a clear intention behind them. I also think this corresponds with the note I've been getting from Matt, that I am not finishing the ends of my lines, that I drop off.

My goal tonight before the show is going to be to review lines and textwork and notes Matt has given me throughout this process. I think I am going to rework a couple things for myself. Nothing too big to change what we have done. But I want to play less of a crazy. That seems to be something easy for me to do.

In terms of costuming, I am not going to take a shower in the morning so I feel gross and nasty for the performance. I plan on teasing my hair more in the morning and also putting on some awesome late 80's/90's eye make up.

Let's do this PIG.

Thomas's Pre-Show Entry

Tonight was good for me. I felt very active and connected while on stage and didn't tense up too much during the gun-scene (which has been one of my goals: to loosen up and not press so much, stay free vocally for that), while still raising the stakes.

Today I also incorporated more elements of Kyle's portrayal of Jason. Watching Kyle work the part is great, and I find a lot of his manic energy to be really compelling, so I've been looking for places to integrate that. I think it definitely came out today in the gun scene in particular.

Of course, for other moments, I need to find a different kind of energy for my portrayal of Jason. For my Jason, connections to the family are everything, and so I'm constantly looking from family member to family member, trying to assess what my status is in their eyes at any given moment. It's almost like I score points by getting family members to trust me or side with me and I'm trying to rack up as many points as possible before the end-game. Of course, this all goes to shit with Santos's appearance, and rightly so, because it makes me have to violently change my tactics.

All this was definitely working for me tonight, and I need to bring that to bear tomorrow was well. If I keep going that direction tomorrow, keep connected, vocally present, and aware of my surroundings, I can stay active, responsive, and communicative. My goals for tomorrow are to support everyone as best I can by being as present as I possibly can--resisting the temptation to retreat inwards, and keep the energy and stakes up at all times. After all, this is Jason's last hurrah, in more ways than one.

I should add that I'm stoked. So pumped for tomorrow. Let's rock it, guys.

Post-Dress/Pre-Performance

Some thoughts on our run-through tonight:

The note that Matt gave us that really hit home for me was that of CHILLING OUT. Well, he didn't say that specifically, but I know for the line "But you're not working!", I really just need to chill out a bit. I had been playing the line like Bernice and I were used to arguing and I was tired of hearing her bitch about 50/50, but I understood what Matt said about the stakes being too high for the line. I think in general, although it is so much fun to play high stakes the whole way through, we need to give ourselves somewhere to go. So I've been equating putting an action behind the line to playing high stakes, and I realized tonight that that's just not the truth. I can play the action and really hit Bernice with the line "But you're not working!" without looking so upset, which looks unnatural because it's not coming from anywhere. This doesn't mean I should throw the line away, but I think I need to listen more to the rhythm of the scene and casual-ness of the dialogue at that part of the scene and not raise the stakes too fast.

Another note that I need to bring into the performance tomorrow has to do with the improv dialogue. First, it needs to be specific - with improv dialogue it's really easy to indicate what you're reaction is, rather than actually play it. And then this indicating tends to be way over the top, too much of a reaction, and steal focus as it did tonight. And that's the second part of the note: I can't steal focus with my improv dialogue. There are a few hefty chunks of the script where I don't have any lines, so it's tempting for me to start a mini-conversation with Bernice, or Peggy, or Irene, but at the same time I also need to give focus to the more important things going on (generally between Jack and Jason). Plus, my reactions to what is happening in other parts of the scene are important, more important than whatever I make up that is going on between me and the other people sitting at the picnic table. So tomorrow I'm going to limit myself with the improv dialogue, give focus to the other parts of the scene, and perhaps use more physical rather than verbal communication when I need to naturally interact with the other people at the table. This is especially important during the charades part, and when the gun comes out and we're singing - physically I can say a lot without actually speaking up and taking away focus from other parts of the scene.

Another note I need to take for tomorrow is that of making sure my props are all in the right place! Not checking to make sure the beer was behind the set made me late for my entrance (in interruption of Irene's story), and then when I get the lighter fluid, I need to make sure there's a lighter around for me to light the fire with. Today it unfortunately caused me to be unfocused in many moments, and although I tried not to beat myself up about it, there is that sense that Matt so perfectly described today: "You broke the play." What's funny is that, like so many things, the danger is not in me breaking the play; I don't think any of us, let alone George, could really do that without like kicking an audience member in the face. What's dangerous is me THINKING I broke the play and pulling myself out of it. So tomorrow, I will double-check the props before the show starts to make sure everything is where I will need it, and I recommend you guys join me in doing so.

Finally, tonight was a good run-through because, I think, we had a strong warm-up and kept the energy from the warm-up going into the scene. I know that "energy" is one of those things that is difficult to talk about because you don't see it, or its impact, unless you are looking for it, but I saw its impact tonight, and I think we can bring a strong energy to the performance tomorrow if we keep our focus. Having the audience in front of us will help us a lot as well. A big part of keeping focus is, as Matt said, LISTENING, and that is something I will strive to keep in the front of my brain tomorrow as we work. Listening, keeping a rhythm and pace that looks natural, playing the action - all of these things will appear tomorrow because of all the work we've already put in if we keep our focus.

Have a good sleep guys, see you tomorrow!

Tonight's rehearsal/Tomorrow's Prep

Tonight's rehearsal, in my humble opinion, was the best we had ever done the show. That doesn't mean I don't think it can improve, because we still had some line-misses, pace issues, etc. But I do believe that today I felt the most present, more active, and more grounded than I have been in past rehearsals. It felt good.

However, that being said, I, nor the cast as a whole should get comfortable. As Matt said, that is a very bad place to be as an actor. Also, in my experience, when the last dress rehearsal is really good, people tend to relax and thus the first performance ends up lacking in response. We can't let that happen.
Therefore, tonight I'm going to re-read the play, read through all of my text and the notes that Matt has given throughout the process. I'll run through them in my head, think about how I'll put them to use, and then tomorrow, I will let the homework go and just do it.

We've worked our asses off and now it's time to show it.
Break a leg everybody, and may the Force be with you.

Journal Entry: Before Performance

I think that I've really seen the purpose of Play Projects exemplified in the last two days of rehearsals, on several different levels.

To start, one thing I notice in myself personally is just how my whole approach to a rehearsing a play is completely different after a year of CMU training. Before it was what you would expect from a high school actor; learn the lines, learn the blocking, and project your voice. That was all you needed. But now, I can see aspects of things that work on in every single class that are coming into play. Movement qualities, playing actions, speaking with distinction (a variation of it), using my back ribs, spacial relationships, floor connection; I can connect something from every class. Even "triggers and heaps' from foundations (never thought I'd ever use that). This is why I came to this school, to find a means to becoming a more specific actor. And I'm not even sure that I knew that's what I was looking for upon coming here. But now that I have some baby steps into this newfound technique, the next step is to implement it into the work; the purpose of play projects.

The other thing that keeps coming to my mind is how thankful I am for the play that we are doing as opposed to the other two. Our play is the only real ensemble show. The others are more a collection of scenes, which has lessons to learn, but completely different from what our play offers. There was a moment in a rehearsal I want to say last week, where this difference between our play and the rest of the plays was brought up. We all that in order for our play to make any more successful ground, we were going to have to switch our focus from only what we were doing, to what we were doing for the rest of the group and what the group is doing for us. In other words, how we needed to work together, and begin trusting and relying on each other to support the play. I know for me that was something very important to accept. And after that rehearsal where we decided to start listening, our little play made a move for the better.

And now we're there. And the only thing we can do is what is drilled into our heads at this school;

"Let go of the work"

"Trust your homework"

"Abandon"

It's absolutely true. We have done the text work. We've learned the lines. We've learned our blocking. Now, what is going to get us through tomorrow morning is listening to each other, and trusting in everything that we've done in anticipation. And that is the technique we have been working towards, the ability to be specific AND remain alive and active in the moment. If I had to make one goal for tomorrow, it would be to be an example of that idea. Abandoning myself at the door remaining active with my cast in order to find the truth in the story.

I'm satisfied with the work that I've done so far. And I know that I should be careful of being comfortable, but I don't think that is the point I am at. I think that it is simply confidence that I have done the work. And now I'm going to get a good night's sleep so that I can give everything that I have tomorrow.

Good Night,

K

Trip to Goodwill - McKnight Road

I went to the Goodwill on McKnight Road last Saturday to buy George's costume, and Matt was right - it is a very depressing place. I'm not sure what's more depressing, the run-down businesses or the big-chain stores that are taking their place right next door. It struck me while I was there that a lot, if not most, of the people that live around there, and probably most of the people that live in Ozone Park, have been there their entire lives. It is what they know, and it is likely that they don't know of anything else. Their entire lives are spent in this one type of existence. Their struggle to make a living defines their life.

So how can we bring this into Pig? I think we can keep it as an underlying thought in our minds, a fact of our given circumstances - that these are the circumstances in which we live. The question is, how do we react to it? For George at least, it is clear to me that he tries to make the most of it. He loves his "traditions," because he likes feeling safe - with his heart condition, he can't take risks. This life, for him, is enjoyable because it isn't a risky life; it's secure as long as he keeps his job. The only thing he has to worry about is his wife, because he has no children. But George is accustomed to his circumstances and doesn't want to get out in ways that Jack's kids might.

Traveling to McKnight Rd was also useful in the same way that traveling to Campayno's house was, and to some extent seeing pictures of Astoria. As a warm-up exercise, I find it useful to imagine what kind of a neighborhood we're in - is it dangerous or safe? Are there streetlights? How far does George live from Jack? Do they hang out all the time? (No...) This gives me a sense of where I am that can be easy to forget in a familiar space like Studio A. I think we all remember how our "where" can change our mentality and actions from Michael Chekhov's movement exercise, Watering Hole, etc. So although I'm not going to play "despair," remembering the kind of despair that surrounded McKnight Rd will help me ground George in his given circumstances.

Jason says goodbye

In my previous post, I talked a lot about Jason looking for support from his family against his father.

But it has occurred to me recently that additionally, and perhaps more importantly, Jason is bidding a final goodbye to his family. This night is the last night he has with them. It is the first time he has seen them in 4 years but also the last time he will ever see them. And it is the way they will remember him forever.

He knows in the back of his mind that he may end up killing himself. Even though he doesn't quite make the decision (in my opinion) till Jack disregards his achievement, he knows it's a significant possibility. He may be denying it up to that point but some part of him always knows.

The reason this is important is because it significantly raises the stakes for him in every moment. It's not just his reputation that's on the line, but his eternal remembrance. If ever there was a time to redeem himself, to show that he's more than just a "murdering rat," that time is tonight and only tonight.

Take the presents for example. I think those really are tied to his deep-rooted desire (and what I think is super-objective is) to be seen as an angel by his family. A martyr, if you will. He can no longer deny the crime he has committed, but if he compensates by giving his family gifts, exposing their dark secrets to each other, and granting Jeanann the opportunity to escape the vicious cycle before killing himself, then maybe he can be redeemed.

Of course, things continue to spiral out of control, and each time his family's perspective on him is damaged, it becomes another obstacle to his super-objective. Ironically, it's possible that the family is actually most positively inclined to him at the very start, when he first walks in the door, but in his attempt to earn respect with the shellback scroll and the pig-bag he actually ends up hurting his case. Especially when Santos walks in and says it's not a pig at all. It all turns into one more giant obstacle to his super-objective, and something he fights against for the rest of the show.

But that strikes me as a particularly operative element of his inner life: Jason is saying goodbye to his family. He wants to leave them with a good impression. He loves them desperately and he can't bear the thought of dying as another no-good violent monster to them. So he goes back to his family and tries to prove his worth before he dies.

Jesus that's sad.

Rehearsal 4/22/10: FRUSTRATION

Yesterday's rehearsal was interesting for me because it's the first time (since we've started working on Pig) that I've gotten really frustrated with myself. So far, I've been pretty proud of how patient and focused I've been,  but I finally reached that part of the process where I want to rip my hair out.

First off, I started out the run poorly by going up on a lot of my lines, which really ticked me off. I was able to let it go after it happened, but the rest of the run wasn't much better. I'm trying to make Jeanann unique and specific, but I don't think I am executing her that way. I don't think I vocalized or physicalized her properly: In order to develop her physicality, I gave her my mandrill walk and she always slumps over when she sit; however, I feel like I do that half the time and the other half the time I fall into "Taylor" physicality. I don't think either of these work for Jeanann and I'm not really sure what I can do to transform my body in the way I want to. I think I'm going to add a lot of "Ree's" physicality from Winter's Bone at the points where she isn't acting like a Mandrill. I also need to give her more small habits (like the way she scratches herself, or if she's a nail biter, ect). I'm not really sure how to vocalize Jeanann either; her personality suggests that she speaks at a low part of her register, but the fact that she is young implies that her voice should be a bit higher. I think what I will try to do is keep her voice low for the majority of the play and raise it when she gets more emotional. I also need to add in vocal gestures (the way she laughs, whether she "umm's" or "uhhh's" ect)

Another thing that is frustrating is that I don't think I've developed her arch in the way I should have. This going to require a lot of last minute text work this weekend. I'm not really sure how I should approach fixing this, but I'm really unhappy with the way she's been developing.