Butterflies and the nasty taste of insecurity

It is 12:28 and I can't sleep. Maybe its the anxiety, maybe its the fact I got a plastic bag on my head (thanks Nicky) but whatever it is, I think this is a good time to reflect on the show so far. An oh... lucky me... it fulfills an acting assignment.

For those of you reading this off my blog (all 2 of you, hi mom and dad) I will recap. I am playing the part of Maureen in the play Pig by Tammy Ryan. Its a good part, older than me by about 10 years but I feel its a good stretch. She is aggressive and responds with a fist rather than a whimper, a "what are you looking at?" rather than a "take anything you want just please stop staring at me". These traits are not like me, which is why this is a good role for me to branch out with. The only problem is the lingering self consciousness and "head work" that has prevailed through all my acting work to date.

Its not that I want to be in my head, I am. Its like a state of being, something that is forever present and never gets toned down. Physical work can ground me, vocal work can stabilize me, but still its like a dog scratching at your bedroom door at night. You can try to go to sleep, but its there even if you ignore it. Weird example...

Anyways, through out this process I've been trying hard to not do this. I've worked with Maureen, tried to get to know her and her movements. What does she sound like? How does she move? Is she like Creyon? I also tried hard to give each relationship an obsticle. I want my mom to listen to me, but she never does. I don't want to sit too close to my aunt because she always offers me a job at 50 50 and says it will "change my life". Still I am a dear in the headlights when I'm on stage. And its more annoying than anything.

Tasks help though, a lot of times I find things to do (smoke, drink, hit my sister) those things tend to keep me involved and present. Also the pitch (lowered) helps me to find confidence in myself, as does a strong stance and weighted shoulders. I also try little things, like making my hands smell of smoke.

One big thing that has really changed my perspective though, is something that Jed said today. He told us that one of the big problems he finds with student actors is that they read a play for their character and lose site of the story. I kept this in mind today as we ran the show and I realized how much of it was true. I had mapped out the play by my events, and not really the big ones of the play. Who cares if Jason shot Christmas, when is my peeing scene coming?!?? I realized how ridiculous and detrimental this was. I was focusing so much on myself it was like there was a huge spot light glued to me at all times. I didn't even know I thought this was until I examined myself. After that, I toned down some of that self consciousness. I am Maureen, I am here to support Jason who just wants to cook his pig. It really helped.

Then I missed a line, and I was back to square one.

But beyond that I think that it is something I will really keep in mind for tomorrow. Whose story is it? And where do I fit in?

Oh look its 12:51 and I should go to bed.