During the show today I was worried I would be too fast so I consciously tried to slow down and take my time and for once I didn’t feel super eager to please the audience. I stayed focused on my activities. I really connected with what you said about finding actions that you really like because then you will remember them and it showed today, I would find when I was anchored in and when I strayed. I found my amount of pacing and focus surprising. My focus was a bit bad because I kept getting in my head but I also kept stopping myself and forcing myself to engage again. It was not nearly as bad as usual and I hope that my moments of disengagement weren’t too noticeable. These moments tended to be when I occupied myself a little too much with my activities. I also missed a few lines today but I don’t even know that they were noticed, the cast really just plowed right through and I didn’t even realize that I’d missed them until it was over. I was a little surprised actually because I realized I was really on top of the ones that I usually miss.
The only moment I was really disappointed with myself in was in my charades moment. I read the “Memory Bird” book and did research on battered women but I don’t think that I incorporated it enough into the rest of my character enough so that moment of being a “broken” woman felt really un-truthful every time that we ran it. I could understand the ideas but I couldn’t fully surrender to them as Peggy because she was so resilient and persistent. I don’t think I confronted how Peggy dealt with the issue enough. I think I made choices with her and fell too in love with her to be flexible about the effects of the abuse. There are many ways to cope and to react but I don’t think that I decidedly specifically enough, I should’ve found more moments where she was effected. I don’t think there was indication at all of the abuse aside from that moment, making it less important. If there had been questionable moments with me I could’ve “explained” them to the audience during that moment, making it more powerful. I think that it also didn’t work because my stakes weren’t high enough; I believe that this is the first time that she’s talked about it in a real, honest way so it should’ve been far more difficult to drag out from me. Another small mistake- the “rubber room” line. I still forgot to emphasize the “Rubber” part. Small, but I realized it in the moment, that’s how I knew I was in my head.
Another interesting thing was how I responded to the audience, having them there for the first time. I kept finding myself accidentally look at them whilst trying to just look around the yard. It is an interesting issue, I didn’t want to look at them but when they would have a big reaction I would instinctively glance but I was able to stop after a bit, it was just something that I had to get used to. The audience also added a new, interesting, obstacle though. I felt trapped in by them, which I’d never physically felt before. This is my super-objective- to escape and break the cycle and I was never able to actually feel it because of the space before but it was really nice to play with. For example, after George was carried out I really wanted to run out but Jason was right by the door and people were surrounding the rest of the yard and I really felt the small size of the space for the first time.
Overall today though, I felt okay about my performance. I was listening far more than usual actually. I was so comfortable with all of my work that I was able to be really present for the most part. I was also able to stay active without distracting myself for once. Before when I would file my nails or things I would get so into it that I would actually forget to listen and not hear my line cues. Also today I felt a really truthful connection with Jeananne today. I’ve been exploring moments to relate to her and moments to rival with her and finally today I felt like I found the balance with her and Maureen. I felt good about our performance today the only thing I really really regret not doing is sleeping more, I feel as if I would have been a bit more focused too.
This was the most fun show to work on and I always had an amazing time laughing with you guys and exploring this incredible show. Thank you so much for always having patience with me and for bringing so much heart and hard work to class, it really made me want to work harder and do the best that we could possibly do.
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