In the aftermath of yesterday's performance, I sometimes find it difficult not to frame my thoughts in terms of feelings. But it shouldn't be surprising that I felt good about being it afterward. What is interesting is that during the performance itself, I'm not sure I can say I felt anything definitively.
Sure there were moments and flashes of 'feeling,' but feeling is unreliable and when I try and remember how I 'felt' during the performance, I come up with very few solid things to say. I remember thinking a lot. I remember moment-to-moment responses to things that happened. And I think I was concentrating hard on being aware of myself and the other performers, rather than on what the character was particularly feeling. And overall, I'd say that's a good thing. I was very focused on others, in particular. From my very first moment on stage where I run into Jeanann, I'm totally invested in her reaction. I'm looking at her face and seeing it for the first time in 4 years and seeing her expression change in reaction to me and reacting to that. By endowing these characters with meaning--Irene is the source of comfort and care, albeit often from a false place, Jack is the aggressor I so desperately want to love me, and Jeanann is the outlier, the unknown that I'm trying to win over--I can then react instinctively and actively to them based on what they say and do.
So that, I'd say, was a very good thing about my work yesterday. What was perhaps not so good is that I sometimes felt that my own work became a little unspecific when I wasn't reacting to particular things. For instance during the confrontation scene with the gun, I felt that my cursing was a little weak. I have trouble dealing with that line because I think it's a reaction to my own total confusion as to what my next move should be, but it always feels weak. There I go using the 'feel' word again, so maybe it doesn't actually come across as badly as it seems at the time. But I don't know. That line always feels awkward for me.
Overall, I didn't feel too in-my-head and I thought I was very present and active. It was a good run for me for that reason. I was on-edge in all the right ways and I'm proud of my work.
It's also been an interesting experience in terms of how I've used text-work. Ingrid always said that some people begin to do a lot of their text-work mentally--and I think that describes me pretty well. I'm not disputing the value of actual written text-work at all; on the contrary I think it's especially important for me to practice getting things down on paper because that definitely helps me solidify things. But once written down, I found the text-work really lived in my head and was much more... well, alive and mutable in positive ways there. When I looked over my written text-work at night I often thought it was incomplete and skeletal compared to my mental framework.
I don't know if this means that I need to just get in the habit of writing more things down or if I'm still not doing text-work "correctly," if there is a "correct" way. But I do think the text-work I did write down was helpful. But that was just a sort of starting scaffold for the rest of my choices. But maybe that's the way text-work is supposed to operate. You give yourself a very specific outline of your arc and of moment-to-moment details and then let it go and let it breathe in you during the rehearsals and performance, and make discoveries within it or outside of it there.
Anyway, good experience overall. Again, I'm very proud of myself and of everyone else. I think we really kicked ass up there.
- Thomas
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